3 Simple ways to end the drama and shift to love

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 I love me some juicy drama. 

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I'm a creative type, so I tend to create dramas and stories in my head with elegance. They are elaborate, toxic, and they make me feel like sh*t. Yet, I still catch myself making up stories about why I'm not worthy, loved, or wanted.  I'm sure I'm not alone.

How familiar are these situations to you?
She is super distracted and short at work… Is she mad at me?!
He forgets to do the dishes…  I’m not important to him.
My friends haven’t called in a week… I’m probably annoying them with my problems.
The guy didn’t reply… I’m unworthy and will probably be single forever.

Well that escalated quickly, don’t you think? We love to tell ourselves stories about other people’s motives, how their actions are a reflection of our worth, and when they don’t meet our expectations, we take it way too personally.

All of our offense, our internalizing, our grudge holding, all of the stories are rooted in fear:
Fear of being alone.
Fear of being disliked.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear someone else could do it better.
Fear, fear, and more fear.
 

The truth:
People are generally more concerned with themselves than they are with you. When she looks at you wrong, when someone snaps at you, when you’re tempted to create a story about why something happened, STOP. Stop and shift from fear to love. Don’t allow your mind to create fear-based dramas. 
 

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Here are 3 simple ways to end the drama and shift from fear to love:
(AKA from drama to sanity.)
1-Drop the assumptions + don’t take everything personally. 

Trust me, it’s not personal. Remember other people’s actions are more about them than you. You don’t know why they are responding how they are. Let go of the need to internalize it, fix it, or take responsibility for other people. Choose to have a heart of non-offense, you never know what they are going through. 
2-Remind yourself that you are loved, whole, and worthy as you are.
No need for drama, offense, and panic when you feel stable in yourself. Life is so much more freeing this way! If you need a little help, repeat the mantra: I am safe to be myself. And screw the rest…. Just kidding...  (Heck, do whatever it takes!)
3-Review the scripts you already have playing. 
It’s a good time to reflect and see why you are jumping to conclusions. The stories you write say a lot more about you than others, and you're probably looking for ways to affirm the fear-based beliefs you already hold.  What do you believe to be true about yourself and the world?

P.S. Snag my FREE download on writing new stories here!

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4 Ways to choose your friends for personal health

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4 WAYS TO CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS FOR PERSONAL HEALTH

No one has ever accused me of not being able to make friends.  Although that innate ability to approach people is a gift, through my teen years I somehow still struggled to create meaningful friendships.  I was plagued with a TON of insecurities, and because I did not know I was worthy of healthy friendships (nor was I modeled one), my young friendships struggled.

 Not all of these friendships looked bad from the outside, although some did. From gossip-queens to negative-nancy’s to judgmental-judy’s.  I found myself unfulfilled in these friendships and feeling inadequate as a friend.

The LAST thing a friendship should do is make you feel inadequate.

Through personal growth, counseling, losing a few friendships, creating boundaries with others, I realized that I was a bad picker. I was bad at picking good friends. My insecurities had gotten the best of me not only IN my friendships but also in CHOOSING them. I chose these friends. I chose to hang out with them. I chose to gossip. I was choosing my mediocre life that I hated. And why?

Because we choose in life what we feel worthy of.

Do you feel worthy of beautiful, supportive friends?

Are YOU a trusting friend?

Are you afraid there is no one else out there if you distance yourself from current relationships?    

These are hard questions to answer but worth looking at. When I took time to really answer them, I learned 4 things about friendship that changed my life. 1. I needed to know who my safe people were. 2. I needed to assess my current friendships. 3. I needed to step up into my power. 4. I had to let go of being friends with EVERYONE. I broke down those four lessons into practical, useful tools. Take a look:

1. Know your safe people: 

Some people call this an inner circle, others call this your group of safe people. A safe person is someone who you feel comfortable knowing the real you and loving you just the same, if not more. Honesty, love, support, good hearted feedback, and reality checks roll off their tongue with grace.  These are the spouses, boyfriends, best friends, and moms.

There is only a few spaces in your life for people like this.

As soon as I realized this, my perspective shifted. It is the fundamental piece of creating healthy relationships.

2. Assess your current friendships:

Are they safe? Are they toxic? Are they a good friend, but not exactly safe?

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This step was really hard for me. I don’t like putting people on a scale. It seems harsh, but sometimes the extremes help us see the reality we choose not to see otherwise. I have had to lovingly step back from a few friends.

Ask yourself hard questions:

“Can I be fully myself around them?”

“Do I leave their presence feeling uplifted or drained?”

“Do they talk highly of others?”

“Do we mostly gossip about other women?”

The answers to these questions will reveal a lot to you about the safety of a person in your life. This does NOT mean they are less worthy of love, it does not mean you need to “ditch” them. It does mean you have a clearer picture of the reality of the friendship and you now have a choice on how to engage the friendship.

3. Realize the power you hold.

Simple right? You are powerful. You can make hard choices. You can have tough conversations. You can say yes and no and mean it. Once my friends started seeing that I acted like a powerful person (because I finally believed I was one) I started noticing that more powerful women surrounded me. I was attracted to confident, driven women. The petty water-cooler talk started having less and less appeal to me. People notice when you have higher conservation standards for yourself.

Become the powerful women you would want as a BFF. That is the magic secret to making sisterhood friends.

4. You don’t have to be everyone’s BFF.

You don’t. And thank God.

You do not need to be everyone’s friend, and everyone does not need to know you. This was the hardest for me to put into action. Saying no to fun events you just don’t have time and energy for is hard. Some crazy part of me wants to be involved in everything and know everyone, but that is just not healthy. (Trust me, I tried this and it gets you a lot of acquaintances and no real friends.)

Be lovely and kind to everyone you meet. If you hit it off with a new friend, awesome! But do not feel obligated to invest in everyone. You physically, mentally, and emotionally can not do it. You weren't created to do it.


 

When you learn to find your safe people, allow yourself to be fully seen and fully loved, step into your power, and become a good picker, your friendships will truly change. YOU will change.

You'll become the friend you want, and in return, attract the kind of friends you need. 

 



How I Satisfied My Need for Approval

How I satisfied my need for approval through self love, plus 10 affirmations to help you find self acceptance.

Self love. Self approval.  They are possibly the the biggest trends in personal wellness right now. When I was first introduced to the idea of self love, I wanted to reject it. It felt prideful and self indulgent.  I thought (in hindsight), that I was better and tougher than needing to love myself. I have learned since then that self love is a necessity to thriving as a healthy, whole person.  The shift for me did not come all at once, but one way of thinking truly helped me stop seeing it as indulgence and start seeing it as necessary.

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It was the shift from self love and approval to self acceptance.

One of the biggest struggles I have faced in my personal growth is a deep need for the approval of others.  In a life coaching session with my first life coach, I realized not only did I tend to seek approval from others, but I wasn’t even comfortable with the thought of loving and approving of myself. It was quite obvious that the reason I so deeply sought approval from others was because I refused to approve of myself. The word approval made me feel like I had to do something to earn it. I felt that if I approved of myself then I must think really highly of myself and must think I have “arrived” so to speak.  My coach was amazing at helping me see a new perspective and asked me if I knew of another word for approval that I may be more comfortable with.

   Self ACCEPTANCE.

As I spoke it out loud I felt my spirit shift. It was a huge “ah-ha” moment for me. Acceptance of myself felt more gentle. It came with peace and ease. The definition of the word refers to welcoming, having favor for, or receiving what is offered. (dictionary.com).  

Self acceptance gives room for the real you. It does not base your self love on whether or not you feel worthy.  It is not complacent.

SELF ACCEPTANCE IS THE RADICAL NOTION THAT YOU ALONE ARE ENOUGH. 

You are enough today. In this moment. As you are. This is your journey. Your path. Your body. Your mind. I promise you, when you make peace with who you truly are you will no longer desire the approval of others.


Here are 10 affirmations to shift your thinking to acceptance:

  1. I  accept myself just as I am.

  2. I am open to love.

  3. I am worthy of good things.

  4. I trust that there is a divine plan for my life.

  5. I am happy in my own skin.

  6. My body is a blessing.

  7. I am able.

  8. I attract love and give love freely.

  9. I honor myself with my thoughts.

  10. I only compare myself to my best self.


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Let's get the convo going!

leave a comment with your story below & how self acceptance changes your self love game.

+++feel free to share this truth-bomb on insta, facebook, pinterest, or print it out for your bathroom mirror!

xx, Madison