How I let go of control and fear in my closest relationships

*** This article was originally published as an email sent to the Tribe in early 2016. If you want  fresh content delivered right to your inbox, >> join! <<

My most recent “aha” moment went something like this:

Stop trying to control everyone.

I’m going to be candid here for a minute; I’m more controlling than I care to admit.

I have high expectations for myself and others, and am passionate about what I believe in. I’m so thankful I was created this way. What I’m learning though, is that I can’t impose my idea of the good life onto those who don’t want what I want. I’ve spent so long trying to manipulate my husband, my family, my friends into people who value what I value. Trying to talk them, motivate them, encourage them, love them into my idea of their highest potential.

What I thought I was doing from love for a long time, I now realize is setting everyone up for failure, disappointment, and frustration.

You cannot talk people into seeing things the way you see them.

You can only live aligned to your values, define your own priorities, and live in integrity with what you know to be true, for you. That’s what living authentic means. If you find yourself perpetually frustrated with others, always let down, or are always trying to help people achieve their highest potential, I want to be frank: Stop and look in the mirror.

There’s an old biblical saying I learned in college that I can’t shake:

“you must first take the log out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your friend’s eye.”

The passage continues by discussing throwing away advice and wisdom to those who don’t want to hear it. What I take from that piece of wisdom is that you must confront your motive for wanting to help others, especially those who don’t want to be helped.

When I looked in the mirror of my expectations and desire for others to reach their full potential, I saw a lot of fear.

Fear my marriage would fail.
Fear I wouldn’t lead a life I loved.
Fear my family would never be who I needed them to be. 
Fear that if people didn’t see things the way I saw them, I would spend my life proving myself. (aka a lack of comfortability with myself and my truth).

What if the solution is simply looking in the mirror, dealing with our own logs, and walking the path that made for us?
What if the right people would find us on our path if we let go of dragging people along with us?
What if we loved people exactly as they are (with boundaries in place) and allowed them to be themselves?

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others."
-Anonymous

When you discover where you begin, you also learn where you end.  

Let go of the need to fix others and find the fear shift to love.


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How much is staying stuck costing you?

*** This article was originally published as an email sent to the Tribe in early 2016. If you want  fresh content delivered right to your inbox, >> join! <<

Staying stuck cost me my life.

Four years ago, I was one of the funnest, most vibrant people you'd meet. If you knew me, you'd know that I was the life of the party and always smiling. What you wouldn't know, is that I was completely insecure, did "good" things to give myself worth, was in constant need of affirmation, and was carrying around a TON of shame.

And I paid the price for my brokenness.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. I lost friendships because I lacked boundaries, suffered from anxiety-induced health problems, tried to become the people I admired instead of owning my uniqueness; I burnt myself out and beat myself up.

With help I slowly began to shift. I got to know myself. I set goals. I saw coaches and counselors. I read books. I gave my life to the real work of change.

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Looking back, I can see how clearly I paid the price for my stressful way of life: all the busyness, the shame, the fears and insecurities weren't serving me. They were billing me and I was paying the price I chose to pay until I stepped up and owned my life.


What payments are you unwilling to make any longer?

What are you paying for that you could release?

Free yourself up from the burden. Stop paying for things you don't deserve.

It's expensive to stay broken.


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5 Questions to ask when you feel like a hot mess


Girl, I’ve been there. After a long week you're tired of the job you only like sometimes, the demands of relationships you can’t keep up with, the weight of wishing you had it all figured out a little bit more.

It’s h e a v y. 

It’s even heavier because you feel like you have to carry the weight alone, or I should say, heavier because you’re hiding it.

Let’s face it, life’s messy, and pretending it’s peachy just messes it up even more! When you’ve come to the end of it all and start to wonder if it's you that's a mess, it’s time for some self-reflection.

5 QUESTIONS TO ASK
WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE A HOT MESS

  1. What do I need to thrive? (am I meeting my baseline needs like sleep, food, and a social life?!)
  2. What do I know to be true?
  3. What is one thing I could do today to remind me of who I am?
  4. Who would love me no matter what?
  5. Am I honoring the real me?

Some of the questions will make you think on honoring your baseline needs, while others take you a bit deeper and ask if your soul is thriving. Before you let yourself feel messed up, pause. Reflect on the 10 questions and embrace your messy life!


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