Why you can't Avoid your Dark Emotions if you want to Become WHOLE- Vlog

1.png

 

Why you can't Avoid your Dark Emotions if you want to Become WHOLE- Video Blog

 

What if the ways you feel broken, alone and unworthy are the key to your wholeness?

What if facing the darkest parts of you is the only way to actually live into the light??

I get it, this is not your typical “light and love” self-help message.

This is not a post focusing on your strengths, listing gratitudes or pretending that you’re beyond being human. Cuz I’ve been there, done that, and discovered each of us have a “dark side” we need to embrace if we ever want to feel truly worthy.

Hang with me. This is actually GOOD news.

(Watch full video teaching above)

For the majority of my life, I held value in how good I was. Being well-liked, making others smile, performing, producing, and keeping the appearance of having it all together. “GOOD VIBES ONLY” was my motto. I stayed away from sex and alcohol and anything I’d deemed as “sinful or unconscious.”

But the truth was, I was fragile. There was little depth to my goodness. I always felt like an easter egg bunny that was hollow on the inside. My joy was always one warm day away from melting away and leaving me in a messy shame spiral.

As happy as I seemed, I was actually carrying the weight of years of abuse, ways I felt unlovable, and the shame of the “darker” sides of myself I thought were wrong. And as it is with so many things; what we resist persists.

What we refuse to look at keeps us from becoming an integrated WHOLE person.

There is nothing wrong with focusing on the positive, being grateful and developing healthy habits. It’s important and necessary, but it will not make you whole.

Wholeness comes from taking the descent into the depths with grace, love and acceptance.

 

Wholeness isn’t pretending the dark doesn’t exist, it’s gazing into it, trusting that no matter what you find, you’re worthy.

Now, I am able to see that my goodness lies in the “both, and” of my humanity.

 

Both the light, and the dark.

The positive, and the negative.

The fierceness, and the softness.

The hustle, and the flow.

The body, and the mind.

The sexy, and the soulful.

The pure ,and the nitty gritty.

There is goodness in all of it.

 

 

Wanting to go deeper?

Dive in with my FREE MORNING CHECKLIST AND AUDIO MEDITATION

3 Simple ways to end the drama and shift to love

 *** This article was originally published as an email sent to the Tribe. If you want  fresh content delivered right to your inbox, >> join! <<

 I love me some juicy drama. 

IMG_0876.JPG

I'm a creative type, so I tend to create dramas and stories in my head with elegance. They are elaborate, toxic, and they make me feel like sh*t. Yet, I still catch myself making up stories about why I'm not worthy, loved, or wanted.  I'm sure I'm not alone.

How familiar are these situations to you?
She is super distracted and short at work… Is she mad at me?!
He forgets to do the dishes…  I’m not important to him.
My friends haven’t called in a week… I’m probably annoying them with my problems.
The guy didn’t reply… I’m unworthy and will probably be single forever.

Well that escalated quickly, don’t you think? We love to tell ourselves stories about other people’s motives, how their actions are a reflection of our worth, and when they don’t meet our expectations, we take it way too personally.

All of our offense, our internalizing, our grudge holding, all of the stories are rooted in fear:
Fear of being alone.
Fear of being disliked.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear someone else could do it better.
Fear, fear, and more fear.
 

The truth:
People are generally more concerned with themselves than they are with you. When she looks at you wrong, when someone snaps at you, when you’re tempted to create a story about why something happened, STOP. Stop and shift from fear to love. Don’t allow your mind to create fear-based dramas. 
 

IMG_0879.JPG

 

Here are 3 simple ways to end the drama and shift from fear to love:
(AKA from drama to sanity.)
1-Drop the assumptions + don’t take everything personally. 

Trust me, it’s not personal. Remember other people’s actions are more about them than you. You don’t know why they are responding how they are. Let go of the need to internalize it, fix it, or take responsibility for other people. Choose to have a heart of non-offense, you never know what they are going through. 
2-Remind yourself that you are loved, whole, and worthy as you are.
No need for drama, offense, and panic when you feel stable in yourself. Life is so much more freeing this way! If you need a little help, repeat the mantra: I am safe to be myself. And screw the rest…. Just kidding...  (Heck, do whatever it takes!)
3-Review the scripts you already have playing. 
It’s a good time to reflect and see why you are jumping to conclusions. The stories you write say a lot more about you than others, and you're probably looking for ways to affirm the fear-based beliefs you already hold.  What do you believe to be true about yourself and the world?

P.S. Snag my FREE download on writing new stories here!

"ENJOY THIS POST? It was originally sent to the Tribe as a Tribe Letter! If you want to be the first to get your hands on fresh content, all my helpful downloads, and real-talking riffs, join!"

The 7 habits of highly self-destructive people

The difference between who we are and who we want to be is our habits. That instagram scrolling I do in the morning, yep, it’s a habit. The daily workout, it’s a habit too. For better or worse, our habits shape our lives. The habits that have held me back the most were habits of the mind. My unruly thought-life prevented me from loving people well, from achieving my personal goals, and from being the best version of me I could.  When I discovered that thought patterns were actually habits, I began to form new mental habits.

From self study, from reading, and from observing clients, friends, and family, I have come up with 7 habits that appear to be the most self destructive.  

 

THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PEOPLE:

*Continue reading only if you promise to do so without being hard on yourself… or others.

1. Victim mentality

The victim mentality is a habit that keeps us stuck in blame, negativity, and powerlessness.  We all do it from time to time, but making a habit of being a victim will hinder you from being your best and taking control of your life.

The victim mentality in the small things:

“I am late because…”

“I couldn’t get the project done because…”

The victim mentality in the big things:

“The relationship failed because he…”

“My parents didn’t provide me with the love/finances/tools I needed to thrive…”

“The education system failed me because…”

Heard those before? I hear them all the time. They make me sad because they are often rooted in truth. Maybe you weren't provided the love you needed as a child. Maybe you are thousands in school debt. Maybe your spouse left you. Those things are tragic and hard and really sad. They deserve to be dealt with in gentleness and grace. Dealing with them is key.

When you are stuck in the victim mentality, the world will constantly be happening to you. You will blame, become bitter, and be unable to grow. Growth requires taking responsibility.

2. Judgement

The habit of judgement is a normal, human tendency. We need to make subtle judgements to make good decisions. We naturally notice patterns and use them as intuition. The issue with judgement is that it is often a reflection of an ego unchecked. It is a nasty symptom of other issues like insecurity, fear, and the scarcity mentality.

When you catch yourself making a judgement as yourself:

Is it rooted in fear? Is it just plain hateful?

How can you switch your judgement to something more gentle, like noticing?

You can notice others without making a judgement. You can call a spade a spade without letting your thoughts become negative and clouded. Start to notice your thoughts.

3. Gossip

Gossip is like disease.

A good example of this comes from an old favorite song. A friend pointed out that this song had an annoying aspect to it, and that they hated the artist because xy&z. I could never listen to the song again without thinking about her negative words. Although the song wasn’t completely ruined, the negative association made it harder for me to authentically enjoy it. And so it is with gossip. Gossip takes your negative thoughts and infects others with them.

4. Negative self talk

I’m a firm believer that what you think, you become. If your mind is full of thoughts that don’t serve you, your life will be a life that doesn’t serve you.

Tip**  Start tracking your thoughts. Do this with pen and paper, in the notes on your phone, or even just taking mental note. What are you thinking about? What kind of things do you say to yourself?

5. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is the habit of living in a fear based mindset. It takes the assumption that others are trying to “get” you and that you must protect yourself.

Defensiveness resists vulnerability, and cannot be seen as weak. It does not admit wrongs or like to be wrong. The habit of defensiveness will make you feel the need to protect yourself, your beliefs, and need to be right to be safe. Instead of being safe, however, it often makes you, and the people in relationship with you, feel alone.

Curious, creative living comes from a place of vulnerability. Related to defensiveness, it comes back to the fear of rejection, or the fear of being wrong. Living creatively is risky business. It takes courage and vulnerability, you must be willing to open yourself up to inspiration. If you are wanting to learn more about being vulnerable, I highly recommend the work of Brene Brown, watch her TED talk here.

6. Avoiding emotional responses

Avoiding self reflection and emotions will only work for so long. I used to be “happy” because dealing with my fear, anger, or frustration made me feel uncomfortable. Today, I know that experiencing my emotions fully and not judging myself for having them is key. I don’t stay “stuck” in the emotion, but I do allow myself to feel and express it.

This habit is self destructive because it will always come back to bite you in the butt. Those suppressed emotions will bubble up or manifest themselves in your body. They will seem gone for a little while, but you will start to see the bitterness, anger, or annoyance when you talk about others. It will be toxic to your spirit and to your relationships. Allow yourself to feel.

7. Jealousy

We all have dealt with jealousy from time to time. Jealousy is a sense of lack where we see others in abundance. When jealousy goes unnoticed, it turns into a habit.

If you struggle perpetually with being happy for friends or family members when they succeed, you may be jealous.

If you constantly compare yourself, you may be dealing with a jealousy habit.

All of these habits come back to self love and self acceptance.

They are deeply rooted in judgement, fear, and a lack of self acceptance. If you found yourself feeling crappy or down on yourself after reading this, please leave the judgement at the door. The first step in growing is realizing there is room for improvement! You can choose today to take notice of the areas you want to grow, and give intention to your growth.  

If you would like help navigating the road to growth, contact me for a free clarity call. It's a 30 minute call to offer you clarity in areas of growth, help set an action plan in motion, and see if you would benefit from life coaching. Reserve your call here. 

 

 

practical ways to fall in love with yourself

Practical ways to love on yourself.

Whether you’re single, taken, married, broken up, or aren’t quite sure where your “status” lies, I bet you’re aware that this weekend is Valentine’s day. It’s kind of hard to avoid: the candy, the teddy bears, the roses in every grocery store.

It doesn’t matter if you are spending the day on the most romantic evening of your life, at a galentines party with friends, or spending it alone; the only thing that really matters is the state of your self love, because without that, you can’t fully enjoy any circumstance.

Without self love,

It doesn’t matter who tells you that you’re beautiful, you will dismiss it.

It doesn’t matter that you’re better off without him, you won’t be able to let go.

It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t lose that weight, because either way, without self love, you still won’t feel whole.

Hey, not to be a downer or anything, but self love is kind of a big deal. Without it, you can’t fully enjoy life. You can’t move forward in health, and you certainly can’t fully love (healthfully love, I should say.)

Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself.” -Tara Stiles

Here are a few non-cliche ways to love yourself:

Eat like you love yourself

I’ll let you decide what this means to you. But I do challenge you to think about it and make peace with what that looks like for you.

Move like you love yourself

Enough beating yourself up with exercises that feel like a punishment for eating. You don’t have to earn food or be punished for it. You need to eat, you need to move. Do both in love.

Speak like you love yourself

What are you thinking to yourself? Are you even aware of your thoughts? If you’re not sure, start to observe your mind. What are you thinking about? What are you saying about yourself?

Act like you love yourself

How are you loving yourself with your actions? From being aligned with your values to fulfilling commitments to yourself, figure out what this means in your life and start to do it.


Wanting authentic encouragement? 


And as always, if this post spoke to you, share it, quote it, and spread the love. 

You never know who needs to hear it.