Learn to set boundaries and Lay down what's not yours to carry

What if the stuff that’s weighing you down isn’t yours to carry?

The burden of other people’s dramas and opinions are not yours. Meeting other people’s needs may just have to come second to meeting your own. People-pleasing, taming your shine, and hiding your opinions only holds you down. Let go of people-pleasing. Let go of the need to put others first. Let go of the fear of being seen as selfish or demanding. 

It’s time to own your energies, stand in your power, and come alive to the real you. (Opinions and all).

Most people are afraid to set boundaries because they are scary, they seem confrontational, and maybe even a little selfish. I know the feeling because I used to let other people walk on me; I hid my opinions, bent over backwards to please family, friends, and bosses, and walked on eggshells just to keep the peace.

And you know what? I was miserable. All my striving to keep the peace and hiding left me feeling more anxious and ragged than anything!

If you’ve ever felt resentful, unheard, frustrated, or completely run dry from keeping the peace, managing other people’s drama, or from putting others first, it’s time to know where you begin. 

If you’re reading and are nodding yes to all of it, I created an exclusive live online workshop just for you. “Where I Begin: Boundaries for Women Who Want to Own Their Life and Live From Love.” (Just in time for the election and the holidays- thank me later). 

WORKSHOP HAS PASSED, BUT YOU CAN STILL GET IN ON THE NEXT ONE!  GET UPDATES:


Where I Begin is an intimate workshop where you will learn to overcome people-pleasing, tools to have courageous conversations, and create boundaries that ultimately support thriving relationships, inner peace, and the life of love you really long for. 

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to live in a way that honors your values. You are meant to reach your highest potential and truly come alive! 

ALLOW YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO BEGIN.

3 People-Pleasing Myths that Keep you Stuck

Over the past 4 years, I’ve learned to live my life from a place of authenticity, integrity, and loving boundaries. If you’d meet me, you might say I have a powerful presence, am chatty, and passionate about living a life aligned with my values… but that wasn’t always the case.

For years I let friends and family members walk on me. When I was a vegetarian, I went as far as to pretend I ate meat in front of certain people to avoid the confrontation and judgement I feared. You might laugh at the silliness of my choice, but it’s one small example of how I hid myself for the “benefit of others."

While hiding, I blamed other people for making me hide, for being insensitive, for taking advantage of my kindness. I tiptoed around relationships, held myself back, pretended to hold certain beliefs to fit in, and felt resentful when I would work hard to make others happy and was left feeling dry as a bone. 

The truth is, no one can make us behave in any certain way. My choice to hide myself, to put others first, and to deny my truth, that’s on me. What’s shocking is that even the most powerful, confident, self aware women still struggle with people-pleasing. 

Why is it that even the women you admire most still struggle with people-pleasing?

There are 3 myths about people-pleasing they have bought into, that’s why. 

The 3 Myths about people-pleasing that keep you stuck:

1. Your sweetness will gain you love.

We are trained from a young age that women are nice, sweet, and good-girls definitely don’t rock the boat. As much as we want to rebel, we have bought into the fact that unless we are “always loving and nice” we are not lovable or likable. 

Since I’ve lost my sweetness, I’ve felt more love than ever before.

2. Boundaries are selfish.

Someone along the way taught you that setting a boundary was unloving and selfish. True love meant putting others before yourself, and if you did otherwise, you were self-absorbed. This lie perpetuates your empty cup, because if you’re empty, you really can’t give. In reality, boundaries protect the love you have and provide you with more love to give!

Boundaries may not make everyone happy, but they will make you much more loving. 

3. If you show people who you really are, they won’t like you.

Sure, we have opinions, needs, and wants.. but how often do you say “yes” when your heart is screaming, “no no no!”? We fear being the bitch, being bossy, or being too abrasive, so we hide our opinions, hide our desires, don’t set boundaries, and play nice. (Often, only to have resentment build inside).

Showing people the real you allows you to receive love and actually feel it. 

I’m seeing a theme here, are you? When you don’t people-please and live for the happiness of others, you are able to give and receive love in it’s most genuine form.

People-pleasing is rooted in fear and is focused on earning love. Genuine love casts out fear. 

Choose to say NO today: no to living for others, no to putting their happiness before your own, no to earning love, no to fear. 

Say YES to shedding your sweetness and really living. 

If you enjoyed this and want to step out of people-pleasing and into better boundaries, join me in an online boundaries workshop 12/4!

Trailblazers Episode 3: Sarah Lajeunesse

Trailblazers Episode 3: Sarah Lajeunesse

Sarah is one of those people you meet and have a love at first sight moment. (That's how our friendship began, anyway.) Ever since I met this beautiful soul in 2015, she has continued to inspire me as a life coach, speaker, and dear friend. In the episode we discuss self care, being a woman, and finding your tribe. Sarah get's real about her breakdown in the corporate world, and how she found her footing and learned to honor her true self. Prepare to fall in love. 

Here are some of the things we touch on in Sarah's interview:

  • 9min: Wanting change vs deciding to change
  • 12min: Self care limits
  • 19min: How journaling helps your self care (grab a free 31 day journal guide here!)
  • 25min: Female emotional strength in the workplace
  • 32min: I mention not crying, but this past month I went to therapy about it and have been crying like a damn fountain on full blast ;)
  • 38min: What to do when something is "missing."
  • 42min: Searching for problems to fix vs waiting for them to come up naturally 
  • 47min: On being single and traveling alone
  • 58min: Who are you doing things for?
  • 1 hour: No one deserves to be in your life, not even family
  • 1 hour 10 min: finding your people

More about Sarah Lajeunesse:

Sarah is a lifestyle and wellness coach wildly passionate about supporting young women out of stress, overwhelm, and uncertainty and into lives that they adore. She combines her passion for yoga, health and wellness, nutrition, personal development, and self-care to help women create the life of their dreams. Through 1:1 sessions, speaking engagements,  and sharing tips and tricks on her blog, Sarah is on a mission to inspire and empower. 

 

Connect with Sarah: BLOG | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Heart to Heart: August | The hardest conversation I've ever had

This summer has been amazing for so many reasons. I dove in with a new life coach for the first time since becoming a coach myself, I deepened my relationship with my husband, acknowledged a lot of stuff I was denying in my own life, went on vacation with my closest friends, quit my serving job to devote more time and energy to coaching, and had one hell of an aha moment. Honestly, it’s been a muddled mess of goodness; a lot of self reflection, growth, stepping out of fear, and choosing to love.

All the deep work has dampened my creativity, but as the summer is ending, I am feeling distanced enough from the story to finally share a tidbit of what’s been going on.  

A series of events this summer uprooted a deep un-forgiveness I’ve been sitting with since childhood. What began as a tiff with my husband turned into a series of odd dreams, talks with my life coach, and led to the talk I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

courageous-convo.jpg

I’m tearing up out of pride and healing as I write this, because I never thought a day would come where I felt so free and powerful.

Many of you have read or heard me talk about growing up in a dysfunctional family.  I have experienced 5 divorces in childhood, an alcoholic parent, abuse in various forms, and have worked to be healthy and resilient in the face of whatever adversity I faced in my youth.

But even after 2 years of counseling, I realized this summer how I was still being a victim to my story. I had healed, owned, and named the ugly parts of my past, but I had not stepped out of the story and decided to create my own ending. I had never fully forgiven my abusers, never fully released my parents, never fully felt like me.

And I do this for a freaking living!!

I decided to have the conversation.

The conversation I’d been avoiding/longing for my entire life. I faced my biggest fear: owning my truth to the person whose love I craved most as a child, who “wounded” me and in my opinion, caused me so many years of therapy. I chose to own my side, get honest, and forgive both of us for the roles we played in the ongoing pain.  

Owning my story took me a step beyond my expectations of healing.

Here are a few of my aha moments in reflection:

-Coming alive is done in layers and in seasons. It takes time, and is a lifelong thing.

-Perfection doesn’t exist.

-Forgiveness is a journey, but when you walk it, freedom really does come.

-Forgiving yourself is a must, even if you were the one abused/hurt/wronged.

-Wait to share your story until you are ready.

-Courageous conversations are freaking hard, but being honest will save you.

If you’re in a season of uprooting, healing, and forgiving, I just want to encourage you to give yourself time. This process can’t be rushed, but do take the steps you need to. When the time comes for a conversation, do it. When the time comes to burn all your childhood journals (like I did), do it. When the time comes for forgiveness, do it.

LINKS:

Here are a few resources on the topic of healing and forgiveness I’ve been chewing on this summer. I hope they are helpful in your journey alive.

  • Framework for Courageous Conversations by Elizabeth Dialto. Her work on getting real with yourself has vastly shaped what coming alive means to me this summer.
  • This 5 part podcast on forgiveness offers a great path to follow in your own healing.
  • The Tony Robbins Documentary, which I've now seen three times, has given me tools and new perspectives in healing.
  • Lewis Howes had a courageous conversation on his podcast about his childhood rape which helped me see areas of my own story I needed to let go of.

New around here:

  • My latest blog post was about why being an optimist is not what carried me through hard seasons. Read it on The Bravery Board Blog.
  • If you didn't know, I'm all about owning the fact that I'm a hot mess. I use it to my advantage. Read how I use it and channel it into creativity in my feature on The Yellow Conference.
  • Wish you were in Springfield to come to my events with The Bravery Board!? Fear not! We've officially launched our podcast.

Tribe mail got an upgrade!

If you're a part of the Tribe, you already know that I'm sending monthly worksheets to make like a little easier for you! This month's download is on gratitude. Join the tribe and get your worksheet in the next email!